Never Lose Hope

What a few days… I love spending time with my man, and San Diego is finally acting like its self.

We played a very fun show on Saturday night – he did a set, we did some standards together, and then I did some songs of my own. Something I learned was that I really enjoy sharing the stage. I knew this from back in my Seattle days, having someone back me up was pretty awesome but being able to share the stage with another person who writes and performs was a lot of fun. Of course I’m so proud of him because he’s pretty kickass at what he does. I was nervous about the standards that we were doing together, because we’ve practiced almost never this summer, but once we got into the songs I really was able to just have fun. Isn’t that the point of this? Gigging is stressful sure, but we do it because we love the performance. My friends and family were there again to support us, and I’m so glad to have them.. always reliable and encouraging. There were also a bunch of just passerbys that stuck around to hear our tunes and give us tip money – which was more of an ego boost than anything. Hahaha

I’m not going to go into our daily routine of vacation time, but I will say that it was full of fun activities. Zoo at night, gaslamp district dinners, boogie boarding, Livingston Taylor concert, and lots of late nights with good conversation. I’m so lucky. And so happy.

But now I’m thinking of other things, things having to do with my upcoming move. Boston still scares me in ways that I don’t really understand. I’ve been having dreams pushing my anxious thoughts from my subconscious into the day to day. I view it as dark and dirty filled with people who don’t care about me. Dramatic? What else is new.. Hah. I know it’ll be good this time, but so much has to be done and there’s nothing I can do way out here to really get ready for it. At the same time, I can’t wait to get back and start the classes I’ve been dreaming of for years now. I remember the Songwriting Workshop I was in at SPU and I recall buying the textbook I needed for it, it was the first I had really heard of Berklee… and I thought about how cool it would be to major in something like songwriting… songwriting! But I laughed to myself, knowing that I could never harness that inspiration enough to write with it consistently.

Now, here I am, going into my first songwriting classes with the same fear. Will I be able to rise to the occasion? What will they ask me to do? Do I want to learn to write by a ‘professional’ or do I prefer the more mystical way that it comes to me now? Do I continue this or do I stop going to this school… If I want to be a local celebrity – and nothing more – someone capable of having a home and family, then why should I keep pouring my money into this school…

Oh so many thoughts… only time will tell. I feel like I’ve jinxed myself against staying in school for more than a year.. haha… I guess that’s just the way I roll at the end of the day, and most of me is just fine with that. I’ve always wanted to be ahead of where I am, in that next stage, but now… I don’t know exactly where that would put me. Heaviness is on my shoulders, but I blame most of it on the upcoming move. I love to run around, but it always scares me… Courage, young one.

Venus

Today marks a pretty cool day for me… Its been 6 months since David and I started dating. Scoff if you will, but 6 months in my life is a pretty significant amount of time. Don’t get me wrong, I know its still a small portion of my life (and his) but let me put this is perspective for you. Last year, in the span of 6 months, I moved from San Diego to Seattle, from Seattle to San Diego, and San Diego to Boston. Love interests in the past year have been fleeting and (might I say) rather lacking when it came to actual commitment. So, this is a big deal to me.

Of course, I’m hoping to spend the rest of my college years at Berklee, and the rest of my life with David (whoop! I said it!) So I have to be thinking of things a little differently, and that goes hand in hand with more serious decisions. With all this heaviness, I want to mention that we have the happiest, most carefree relationship ever. Anyone who’s been around us knows that we can laugh anything off, and its always silly. I’m so thankful for that. I’m so thankful that I can really be me, stupid, awkward but oh-so-genuine.

David and I are both feeling rather disappointed that its only been half a year, because it’s felt so much longer. Haha… Oh us. I used to view things like a ‘monthaiversary” as really silly, but another side of me knows that its really important to ‘honor’ the relationship. If you really set aside the time to think about how special it is, and how much it means to you, then you’re doing yourself a favor.

So, this whole blog was to show that I care.. He means the world to me and I’m happy to tell everybody about it. (whether they’re actually listening or not) haha

One

I’m a face to face kind of person. I prefer to have my ‘people’ there, where I can see them, and feel them. I’m also a one-on-one kind of person. Groups are cool, but not really my dig. I love talking, and I also love listening, but I’m pretty picky in the contexts of which it happens. I like being away from it all, someplace relaxing or at least safe. I give my undivided attention, and I expect the person I’m with to do the same. I guess it’s a lot to ask for, but it’s just the way I prefer to communicate. I’m always craving that kind of a connection, but I guess that not all people function that way, and to me, that’s highly frustrating.

Mae

Today I feel spent…

The past few days I spent up at David’s house being crazy and going to sleep much later than I aught to. Last night I drove home, and though it was a very easy, fast drive, I arrived home with no energy. Being in love is hard work. Luckily, its something I enjoy working at – but as a friend said recently, sometimes being in love is more of a struggle. Its not always going to be easy, and though I haven’t seen an ugly side of my relationship, I’m sure it’ll come around eventually. What am I trying to say? I’m not sure.. I may be yammering incoherently because of a minor head injury. I was dropping off a kid at this summer class (it pays, I drive, its easy) and as I walked him to the sign in booth, a ball came out of nowhere and hit me in the forehead. I don’t think its that big of a deal, but it gave me one killer headache.

I’n looking forward to getting my music back on – I want to write songs but I’m not sure what they’ll be like. I can’t really be upset about much, but I find myself being rather listless this summer. I know its frustrating –  I’m frustrated by it too. But I have an optimistic view on the future thats coming up pretty quick. I’ll be back in Boston in about a month.

I’m sitting in a starbucks up in Oceanside right now, killing time till I have to pick the kid up again. Its nice that they have the all access wi-fi finally. It sort of reminds me of Seattle, oh, speaking of Seattle… I was driving back from Santa Clarita last night, and as I approached this one overpass, I swear, it looked just like the 5 when it comes around this corner and you can see the downtown of Seattle in all its glory. Crazy.

Anyway.. I’m done rambling for now.

Here’s to Love

This is a new place, with a new view, but the different perspective changes everything

This is a new love, but it grew up fast, and I have a feeling that it will last

This is a new thing, and I’m still not sure, that its exactly what we’re looking for

So here’s to hope, and here’s to love, that sweeps you off your feet and throws you around

So here’s to tears, and here’s to pain, reminds you of what you’ve lost and what you have to gain

So here’s to Trust, to giving up and giving in, and living -  a thing called love

These are old wounds, with ugly scars, but they’re here to remind us of what we are

People who are trying, and beautifying themselves with the help of someone else

Cuz I am better than, I was before, and its only for how much you’ve done for me

So here’s to hope, and here’s to love, that sweeps you off your feet and throws you around

and here’s to tears, and here’s to pain, reminds you of what you’ve lost and what you have to gain

and here’s to trust, to giving up and giving in and living a thing called love

This is a new road, we’re walking down, but my eyes are no where near the ground

we are walking to, a brighter view, and aren’t I lucky to be with you

…. chorus AGAIN yay

NEW SONG! I’m stoked. Are you? Hoping to have it recorded and on the myspace this weekend.

Closer

Been a while since I wrote anything.. I’ve been busy, which is much better than the alternative. The alternative is today.

Last weekend I got to see my love, play 4 shows and it was a nice re-introduction into the music scene. Played three shows at a church and one at E street. None were amazing, but they were comfortable. I love being on the stage and singing into a microphone and hearing its amplification all around the room. I love telling short stories or jokes, seeing people start to connect to the songs that I sing. I love the limelight and I guess its a good thing, since that’s my ideal job. I sold a handful of my new CDs which will help me make more music.

But the past few days have been rough… for no good reason. I hate this feeling of disappointment and discontentedness that creeps in when I want it the least. Depression is too strong of a word for it, but I feel sad. There’s no rational in it, which also bothers me.

So, for lack of a better word, I’ll call it being love sick. I love being in love, I’ll be the first to admit it. The thrill of the first feelings of crush, to an overwhelming, selfless openness….. Its awesome. I let myself get so tangled in the feelings, over and over again. Many of you know how they affect my songwriting (its AWESOME) and its easy to write out of frustration or when love isn’t reciprocated.. ever try to write when you’re happy? Its tough.

But I’m not happy currently. I’m not unhappy with the relationship or him as a person, I’m unhappy that I can’t be around him more. At the end of the day, its not such a bad thing to have as the worst part of a relationship… I know I’m still quite lucky. But, I got used to that in each day and not having it around, when it means so darn much, is rather crippling.

Ah.. I suppose that’s just how my over-dramatic life goes.

Portland, OR

Oh nature….

This weekend I had the opportunity to be in Portland, Oregon with my family for a wedding. It was a nice get away. I love to travel and flying is my second favorite way to do that (1^st being car)

As we flew up, I was lucky enough to be by the window facing the mountains all up California and southern Oregon. I stared out the window the whole flight, mesmerized by the amazing view of such massive amounts of.. nature.

Since living in a big city like Boston, I have been craving the great outdoors. I want to feel the oxygen in the air and hear nothing but rivers, birds and the wind. So I decided to find myself a river to camp out by for a while. The first few days of our visit were full of family shindigs, so I didn’t get outside much (but at least it was worth being outside. Warm and sunny, not like Cali these days) but today I got my chance.

We spend the morning wandering around downtown Portland.  Ok, I love cities too, but only north west cities and not for any reasonable reason. They have a classy height, nothing too tall. They have the brick buildings (nothing dating before 1818 though) and they have trees lining the streets. But, there’s more room to breathe in these cities. I am of course, referring to my love, Seattle. I was only 3 hours away this whole trip and it was driving me CRAZY. I’ve been craving that place for a long time, so every northbound highway stating ‘Seattle’ was just a cruel tease.

But back to Portland. They’ve got a good vibe going on. It’s ‘green’ and friendly and very very strange at the same time. Seriously. We ate lunch at a farmers market (another awesome west coast phenomenon) and interacted with super nice hippy types. We also drove by a fully nude homeless man trying to get himself arrested. Oh gawd it was terrible. I tried to warn the family “don’t look! Naked man!” but they instead looked, thinking I couldn’t be serious. I’m forever scarred.

After dropping my sister and cousin at the airport, we headed out East.  Like I said before, I had been craving some river time, and my parents, being aware of the geography, brought me to the Colombia river. It’s an enormous river that seperates Washington and Oregon. Seriously, this thing is a beast of a river. It carved out a massive gorge too, so the winding hills bathed in summer sun… wow.. it was really striking. We would our way up into the hills along the side and found some really spectacular outlooks. Nothing but forest and meadows and rivers….. Mountains far off in the distance are the source of the waterfalls cascading down the steep cliffs into a bath of green ferns and raspberry bushes.

Can you tell I have a crush on Oregon? It was a good reminder for me of why I love what I love. I can’t really put my obsession with the North West into words that will justify it. I really love the beach too. I look forward to laying in warm sand and feeling salty water dry on my skin. Nature.. it’s amazing. Its so nice to be reminded of how much is still out there without the scar of humanity’s touch.

I think another trip to the Pacific North West is in site…. My soul needs it.