Wanna Be

Tried my best to be happy today. I woke up with something that resembled the feeling of hope.

There was sun coming through my curtains and I felt well rested. I guess that’s what happens when you sleep from 11 till 9. Excellent.

I shopped for food at a Trader Joes a bit outside of town. It’s about 3 times the size with so many more things for the eating. I actually really liked the town it was in too, very cute and more diverse in age groups. Maybe I’ll look for apartments there come the fall.

I also did some music, applied for some jobs, wandered around in the snow taking pictures…. Kept myself busy enough to get through the day without time to stare outside as ask “why on earth did I come back out here?”

One big reason? David time. It’s so awesome to be able to see him for extended periods of time every single day. We’ve gotten closer over the break, since we had so many hard conversations and hurdles to get over. But I really think we’re stronger for it.

Course, I’m still worried. Scared. Nervous. But I think that if I keep this up I’ll find something to hold on to and keep me afloat. Tomorrow it’s supposed to be snowing, so we’ll see how that goes. Maybe I’ll go on another adventure to find someplace cool or new. Mostly I should find a place that will give me money. But not sleep studies….. waaay too intense for me.

 

Sequence

A new chapter.

I’ve never really liked that metaphor, since I’ve never been much of a book reader… but it’s fitting. A continuation of a story where something new has to happen.

I’m flying back to Boston in an hour and a half. I’ve never dreaded anything like I’m dreading this. I hate that city with every ounce that I can. Which, sure, is a bad attitude, but it’s really not that great of a place. I’m not going to be in school, so I have to find other ways to keep myself from going totally mental. Maybe working, hopefully writing songs, hopefully getting involved with new people in new social circles. There’s still a lot of unknows which keep me anxious… there are a lot of things that are upsetting to me that are totally out of my control. No matter how much I curse at the sky, it will still snow and be fricking cold. No matter how much I whine, I still won’t be happy in my house, because I don’t live alone. No matter how much I hate the stores out there, eveything is going to be old and overpriced. But, the things in my control are what I’m doing my best to focus on right now.

Nothing good will come from hatred. Like Mark Foreman said last week at church, “Hard times build character, which leads to perseverance, which leads to hope.”

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I need hope right now. I’m running pretty dry after so many months of fighting everything. I need some kind words. There’s far too many critical experts in that city. I need some friends. I have a very high standard for the people I’m willing to let in, but I’m hoping I can find uplifting, honest, loving friends to spend my time with.

Now I just have 5 1/2 hours on a plane before I can start this new challenge. Battle. Epic battle. I should make a movie out of this nonsense, or at least a web comic. Hah.

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Wish me luck