Never Lose Hope

What a few days… I love spending time with my man, and San Diego is finally acting like its self.

We played a very fun show on Saturday night – he did a set, we did some standards together, and then I did some songs of my own. Something I learned was that I really enjoy sharing the stage. I knew this from back in my Seattle days, having someone back me up was pretty awesome but being able to share the stage with another person who writes and performs was a lot of fun. Of course I’m so proud of him because he’s pretty kickass at what he does. I was nervous about the standards that we were doing together, because we’ve practiced almost never this summer, but once we got into the songs I really was able to just have fun. Isn’t that the point of this? Gigging is stressful sure, but we do it because we love the performance. My friends and family were there again to support us, and I’m so glad to have them.. always reliable and encouraging. There were also a bunch of just passerbys that stuck around to hear our tunes and give us tip money – which was more of an ego boost than anything. Hahaha

I’m not going to go into our daily routine of vacation time, but I will say that it was full of fun activities. Zoo at night, gaslamp district dinners, boogie boarding, Livingston Taylor concert, and lots of late nights with good conversation. I’m so lucky. And so happy.

But now I’m thinking of other things, things having to do with my upcoming move. Boston still scares me in ways that I don’t really understand. I’ve been having dreams pushing my anxious thoughts from my subconscious into the day to day. I view it as dark and dirty filled with people who don’t care about me. Dramatic? What else is new.. Hah. I know it’ll be good this time, but so much has to be done and there’s nothing I can do way out here to really get ready for it. At the same time, I can’t wait to get back and start the classes I’ve been dreaming of for years now. I remember the Songwriting Workshop I was in at SPU and I recall buying the textbook I needed for it, it was the first I had really heard of Berklee… and I thought about how cool it would be to major in something like songwriting… songwriting! But I laughed to myself, knowing that I could never harness that inspiration enough to write with it consistently.

Now, here I am, going into my first songwriting classes with the same fear. Will I be able to rise to the occasion? What will they ask me to do? Do I want to learn to write by a ‘professional’ or do I prefer the more mystical way that it comes to me now? Do I continue this or do I stop going to this school… If I want to be a local celebrity – and nothing more – someone capable of having a home and family, then why should I keep pouring my money into this school…

Oh so many thoughts… only time will tell. I feel like I’ve jinxed myself against staying in school for more than a year.. haha… I guess that’s just the way I roll at the end of the day, and most of me is just fine with that. I’ve always wanted to be ahead of where I am, in that next stage, but now… I don’t know exactly where that would put me. Heaviness is on my shoulders, but I blame most of it on the upcoming move. I love to run around, but it always scares me… Courage, young one.

Venus

Today marks a pretty cool day for me… Its been 6 months since David and I started dating. Scoff if you will, but 6 months in my life is a pretty significant amount of time. Don’t get me wrong, I know its still a small portion of my life (and his) but let me put this is perspective for you. Last year, in the span of 6 months, I moved from San Diego to Seattle, from Seattle to San Diego, and San Diego to Boston. Love interests in the past year have been fleeting and (might I say) rather lacking when it came to actual commitment. So, this is a big deal to me.

Of course, I’m hoping to spend the rest of my college years at Berklee, and the rest of my life with David (whoop! I said it!) So I have to be thinking of things a little differently, and that goes hand in hand with more serious decisions. With all this heaviness, I want to mention that we have the happiest, most carefree relationship ever. Anyone who’s been around us knows that we can laugh anything off, and its always silly. I’m so thankful for that. I’m so thankful that I can really be me, stupid, awkward but oh-so-genuine.

David and I are both feeling rather disappointed that its only been half a year, because it’s felt so much longer. Haha… Oh us. I used to view things like a ‘monthaiversary” as really silly, but another side of me knows that its really important to ‘honor’ the relationship. If you really set aside the time to think about how special it is, and how much it means to you, then you’re doing yourself a favor.

So, this whole blog was to show that I care.. He means the world to me and I’m happy to tell everybody about it. (whether they’re actually listening or not) haha

One

I’m a face to face kind of person. I prefer to have my ‘people’ there, where I can see them, and feel them. I’m also a one-on-one kind of person. Groups are cool, but not really my dig. I love talking, and I also love listening, but I’m pretty picky in the contexts of which it happens. I like being away from it all, someplace relaxing or at least safe. I give my undivided attention, and I expect the person I’m with to do the same. I guess it’s a lot to ask for, but it’s just the way I prefer to communicate. I’m always craving that kind of a connection, but I guess that not all people function that way, and to me, that’s highly frustrating.